I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you had me at cake vodka
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
