I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
