dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
