you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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