My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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