Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
