He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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