U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
