I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
