Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
