walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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