well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
