Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
