Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
