My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
