I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
