she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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