omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
