You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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