Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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