Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it was like eating out sand paper
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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