im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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