when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
