why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
