so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
