i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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