Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
