Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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