They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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