Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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