Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
