my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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