I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
