Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
