I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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