Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Who died my cat blue again?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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