By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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