The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
