my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
