dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
