Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
