Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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