Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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