nut hugger
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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