Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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