the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
