I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
