So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i permit you to call me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i've created a new STD.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
