He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
