It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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